Who am I?

Artist? Maker? A creative?

Sometime the question actually is, “Who do you think you are?”

Not in a sweet, who do you dream yourself to be? That would be nice, if the question was presented in a dreamy and soft tone.

Instead it accuses and glares at me at the audacity that I, would think myself any of those things.

I am not a very talented artist, but I am an artist. When I say that, I don’t mean it in a self deprecating way, it is matter of fact. There are infinitely better artist than me. Does that cease to make me an artist?

I am not the most creative maker, but a maker nonetheless.

I am not the most innovative creative, but a creative all the same.

It is powerful to know your limits and it is as equally powerful to know that those limitations do not make you any less of who you are.

I am an artist.

I feel called to create. My heart, my emotions, my mind call me to create. I feel relief and respite when I create. What if I didn’t create because I am not up to par to “them”?

As a dear friend of mine would ask, “who them theys??”. She should coin that phrase if someone hasn’t yet.

Who in actuality are these voices, accusations, arbitrators of art and creativity? If I create for self-expression, for well-being is that not being an artist? And final question, who gets to answer that?

I do.

The pandemic has given me the greatest gift it could ever give me, don’t get me wrong it is also gave many gifts to me and humanity that we would like to throw back in its face but it did gift us something or maybe a few things.

Here’s what I’ve been able to reflect on so far that I have received through the pandemic:

• The gift of Time.

  That is no small gift if we are being honest. Time to slow down. Time to be home. Time to think. Time to dream (after the initial shock of it all wore off a bit). Time to be. Time to reflect on who I am.

• The gift of Awareness of Privilege.

  I am keenly aware of how much privilege I enjoy as a human being. A home. Water. Health care. Space in my home to create. Internet. This could actually be a very long list so I’ll keep it at these few things.

• The gift of Safety.

  I walked my neighborhood daily with my family in 2020 and most of 2021. I enjoyed the beautiful and plentiful trees that line all of the streets. I walked early in the morning or late at night without fearing for my safety. I didn’t even think about my safety, that’s how safe I felt.

Here’s the thing, when I have time, space to create, safety I can think about who I am. When I slow down. Slow my body, my mind down I can reflect and be who I am.

During the pandemic, I came to terms in this stage in life, with who I am. I am an artist. Period. I am a creative and a maker. Despite how my mind wants to self sabotage, or my insecurities want to send me running under the covers. I am grateful for the time I’ve had these past 2+ years to come to terms with it all. Without the pandemic and the isolation I would not have had enough time or awareness or felt safe enough to see myself clearly.

Life is interesting in that way. If we want to, if we can, if we try, we can find good in the darkest of places and discover beautiful things.