Words matter
There are words used to describe ourselves that reflect our identities in a layered way.
I have been thinking about the word “survivor” for a long time as I’ve now been a cancer “survivor” for 9 years. It has bothered me from the beginning to label myself in this way.
Now, I want to give a caveat that this is only my perspective and experience, there a many who find comfort from these words, not only comfort but motivation to live, to keep surviving. We can all claim what speaks to us. This label does not serve me well and this is my personal expression of that, not a judgement on what may help someone else.
At first sight it feels valiant even heroic to survive but the truth is that just surviving is an incredibly low bar in my mind. To me, it still is being in a state of emergency.
One of the meanings of survivor is: “a person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died.” Which begs the question, why did I survive when so many have not? We may have had the same stage disease, same surgeries, same medicines. It does not feel very valiant but the cancer world often touts us as heroes, fighters, warriors.
As a warrior, I find little room for the ebb and flow of light and darkness, lows and highs, the varied emotions that the last 9 years have been filled with. In my mind a warrior keeps pushing through and this is probably my own interpretation of this word. But I cannot see a warrior wrapped in their blankets in a cocoon on their bed after every doctor visit even 9 years in.
Allowing myself these types of moments helps me to cope, helps me to recover from the stress of it all. I have and still need differing ways to flourish through the deep gratitude I feel at being alive, to be present in the everyday, to face the moments of depression and of deep fear that I still experience.
As we think of words, Flourishing feels gentler. One of the definitions for this word is: to “grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favorable environment”.
A favorable environment for myself is what I aim for. That involves lots of creativity, making and looking at art, solitude, time in nature and a hammock, looking deeply into my pups eyes, caring for and spending time with the people I love the most in this world, living in community of all kinds, speaking my native tongue, fresh salty air, prayer and meditation, and dealing with my emotions in a real way.
The emotions’ part is a complete “work in progress”!
I am often not good at this process, but I am getting better at it. I try to celebrate flourishing rather than grinning and bearing it and pretending that I am invincible. Just recognizing my emotions can be a complete challenge, I use many tools to identify how I feel but I find that living in a way that honors the present consistently is the most helpful to me. When I am experiencing a lot of anger, I think back to the words of a counselor who made me aware that anger can stem from not feeling heard/seen. Sometimes, I am the one that is not “seeing” myself as well as externally not been heard or seen.
I also love the Gottman Institute, they have much research-backed resources for relationships but there was an article that I read recently that I thought was awesome at describing the process of dealing with your emotions. Here’s the link to that: 6 Steps to Mindfully Deal With Difficult Emotions (gottman.com)
Not judging my anger, sadness, melancholy, grief is an undertaking. Those feelings are not always right but they are real and reveal something. They in their own way are trying to help me, even if they are a bit “extra” at times! They are a part of me, and they matter too. Since they are not always right, I cannot blindly follow the impulse of outbursts which can be very damaging to myself and those around me, but they are worth investigating and being curious about. Which creates a favorable environment so that I can flourish.
I wish you well as you find what helps you to flourish and progress through this beautiful life!
